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Trumpettes

Twin of the Day – Penny: Penny’s vision is maturing at a developmentally-appropriate pace. It’s my understanding that human babies can see color at birth, but their vision is blurred, so they can only distinguish contrasting colors such as black-and-white. Throughout the first two months or so, they have difficulty distinguishing similar tones, such as red and orange. Now that Penny is nearly three months old, she’s able to distinguish most colors — which recently led her to a shocking discovery — mom and dad have been dressing her in mismatched socks.

“Daddy, have I been wearing these wretched things my whole life?”

“Yes, Penny.”

“Even when you and mommy invite your friends over to hold us?!”

“Yes, Penny.”

“Even when you and mommy take us to the bars on the weekend?!”

“Yes, although to be fair — we only took you because your baby monitor lost signal halfway down the block.”

“Even when you took us to the dermatologist when your stupid face was covered with cystic acne?!”

“Yes, and BTW — the dermatologist said that you and Clemmy have beautiful skin.”

“Gee, daddy — He might be a good dermatologist, but he gives me the creeps. But I digress. ——— How could you embarrass me like this!? I mean, I can’t speak for Clemmy, but WTF?!”

“Sweetie, you don’t understand. — It’s…”

“Oh, I understand… you and mom are lazy! God-forbid, you take the time to fold our adorably tiny socks into matching pairs.”

“Well, it definitely saves time — BUT sweetie, mismatched socks are in fashion! — Many designers even sell them mismatched.”

“Really?! Then how come your socks always match?”

“Because the trend started with tweens. — As much as I’d love to be a rebel… odd sock combinations do not command respect in the workplace.”

“Well, daddy — They’re not suitable for me either. I don’t approve! I hate them! — AM I GETTING THE MESSAGE ACROSS?!?”

“Hmmm… I don’t think you get a vote, sweetie.”

“But it’s not just about fashion, daddy. I feel icky when I wear them. — I think I have OCD.”

“Honey, just because daddy has OCD, doesn’t mean that you also have it.”

“But I have these recurring thoughts — I think something bad is going to happen if my socks don’t match.”

“Really? Such as…?”

“I have these images of you getting hit by a taxi while riding your bike.”

“Well… that does sound like OCD — Textbook, even. BUT… I don’t believe you!”

“But DAAADY!!”

“I’m sorry, Penny — END OF CONVERSATION! — That is, unless you have any other sock related grievances.”

“Now that you mention it — I noticed that a lot of my matching pairs have the word ‘TRUMPETTE’ inscribed on the socks.”

“AND… your point?”

“My point, daddy — I don’t support TRUMP! He makes my skin crawl — just like the non-matching socks!”

“Awwww, sweetie. — It’s just a coincidence. TRUMPETTE is a long established brand of children’s apparel — It has nothing to do with Trump. In fact, it’s made in AMERICA. — Not China!”

“Well, daddy, you know that. And now I know that. But people on the street may not know — And I don’t want them thinking that I’m FULL OF SHIT.”

“Honey, you’re an infant — everyone thinks you’re full of shit!”

“Ha f****** ha, daddy! ——— I know you’re a comedian, but can’t we be serious for a minute?! I don’t want to wear those socks! — At least till November — I’ll have no problem wearing them after the election.”

“Honey, I’d be willing to oblige… but those socks won’t fit you by November. — So, we gotta get our money’s worth now.”

“Hmmmm… I’ve got it! How about this — I won’t complain about wearing mismatched socks; and in exchange, you will burn the Trumpettes.”

“Gee… I think that could work. That’s actually a brilliant compromise, sweetie! Where’d you learn to negotiate like that?”

“Where do you think you silly bastard? — I learned from the best: The Art of the Deal, by Donald J. Trump!”

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