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Modern Dad

Twin of the Week — Clementine: As a stay-at-home dad, I try to get out of the house as much as possible. Me and the girls spend a lot of time walking our dog, and visiting various establishments around the neighborhood. Wherever we go, I’m showered with glowing praise: “Look at daddy with the girls!” “You’re doing that all by yourself?!” “My husband could never take care of one baby, let alone two. Your wife’s a lucky lady.” I’m not sure if I deserve such accolades but I’ll take it — on the other hand, Clementine is a little confused by this seemingly unmerited praise.

“Daddy, I don’t get it.”

“Get what, sweetie?”

“All the compliments.”

“You don’t think I’m a good dad?”

“I think you’re just swell, daddy. But no better than mom — where’s her recognition?”

“Well sweetie, it’s a form of benign sexism. You see, for most of American history dads worked to support the family, while moms stayed home to raise the children.”

“So, you’re saying the household division of labor was based on gender… even if the woman was the breadwinner?”

“Yes, sweetie. Many wives gave up lucrative careers to the detriment of the family — just to avoid the shame that would befall them.”

“Gee whiz, daddy… I didn’t realize that men were so sensitive.”

“Not all men, sweetie. I’d say that you can measure the character of a man by how he relates to his newborn child. My dad loved holding us, but he never changed a single diaper.”

“That’s interesting, daddy. Donald Trump said that he never did anything with his babies… not a single diaper change or even a walk in the park.”

“My point exactly, sweetie.”

“And how! — As a stay-at-home daddy, you must be really secure in yourself!”

“I am very self-assured, sweetie. But I also really enjoy spending time with you and Penny, dirty diapers and all.”

“We love hanging out with you as well, daddy. — To be honest, we occasionally day dream about being adopted by a billionaire uncle, and swimming through his vault of gold coins — But that’s just a fairy tale.”

“Sounds more like a nightmare, sweetie.”

“Daddy, are you implying that it’s dangerous to dive into a pool of gold coins?”

“Of course not, sweetie. — I’m saying that it would be horrible to be objectified by your own father.”

“Hold on, daddy. Are we not talking about Scrooge McDuck?”

“Oh, whoops. Sorry, sweetie, I’m back on Donald Trump… and how he’s sexually attracted to his daughter, Ivanka.”

“And your point, daddy?”

“Maybe if he had changed a few diapers and got his hands dirty… he wouldn’t be attracted to his own daughter.”

“But daddy, what if I become a really beautiful lady?”

“I’m sure you will, sweetie. But no matter how old you get I’ll always see you as my baby — my little fart face.”

“Even if I’m as pretty as Ivanka?”

“Of course, sweetie. — I’ve been changing your diapers since the day you were born. I’ve held your shit in my hands, and you’ve literally shit in my face! — I’m certain that I’ll never want to date you.”

“No offense, daddy… but you’re 38 years older than me. No matter how old I get, you’ll always be an old fart.”

2 thoughts on “Modern Dad

  1. Ha! Another fabulous one, Dean!

  2. fabulous, award winning.

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