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Baby Jumpers: Parents’ Best Friend or Death Trap

Baby jumpers are fun for babies and give parents a much needed break. However, pediatricians say they pose a safety risk, and delay motor development. I have eight-month old twin girls. Despite the warnings from the medical community, I got a jumper but decided to use it for the greater good — I conducted a TWIN STUDY with my girls to measure the effects of using a jumper on motor development.

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How to Make Your Baby Work For You

I read to the girls every day, even when they don’t seem to be paying attention. “The Pigeon Needs a Bath” is a perennial favorite, but on this particular occasion they quickly lost interest and started pulling my hair – a legitimate massage technique. Also, the cat was kneading my chest. I’ve never felt so pampered. However, it all came crashing down when Clementine caught wind of my scheme.

“Daddy, I’m not here to serve your needs.”

“What do you mean, sweetie?”

“Um, you’re clearly enjoying this more than we are.”

“Not feelin the Pigeon today?”

“Why do you think I was pulling your hair?”

“I thought you were reciprocating the love.”

“No! I was trying to hurt you!” Continue reading How to Make Your Baby Work For You

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“Let Your Kids Break Stuff”

Baby Proofing (Penny): It’s never too early to start baby proofing your house, but my wife and I have been procrastinating. Now that our girls are starting to crawl, we finally decided to start thinking about baby proofing. In the meantime, we purchased an indoor play yard to keep the girls contained. Clementine seems content in confinement, but Penny desperately wants to regain her freedom. 

“Daddy, don’t you see enough cage fighting on TV?”


“I assume you want us to fight? Why else would you have us trapped in a UFC octagon.”  Continue reading “Let Your Kids Break Stuff”

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“Wives, Submit to Your Husbands”

In the spirit of feminism, my wife and I took the girls to the “2017 Women’s March” in New York City. The girls were each wearing “feminist” onesies, which were a big hit at the march. A lot of photos subsequently popped up online. A photo of me holding Penny ended up on Reddit. Most of the comments were positive, but some opinionated commenters poorly disguised their misogyny with concern for my child’s welfare. “A protest march is no place to take a child!” 

Moreover, Woke Dad has steadily grown to over 12,000 followers… which is apparently when the trolls come marching in. These particular rabble-rousers seem to oppose the concept of feminism — equating it with cancer, and referring to my 6-month-old girls as sluts. They also take pleasure in mocking me as a stay-at-home dad, and seem to be overly obsessed with my sex life — they’re fairly certain that my wife has a boyfriend, and that I enjoy watching her have sex with other men. As if we have time to partake in such decadent delights.

In the meantime, I recently had a spirited conversation with Clementine about feminism and what it means to be feminist.

“Daddy, I don’t wanna be a feminist.”

“Why not, sweetie?”

“I have no interest in consuming the flesh of men.” Continue reading “Wives, Submit to Your Husbands”